By Jenna
As we reach another International Women’s Day, discussions will be had about equality, empowerment, and women in business. You may hear from executives, entrepreneurs or women in STEM. You may not however hear from women who have had involvement in selling sex. I never used to consider myself a survivor of trauma. It’s only in recent years that I have really considered its impact and started to realise that my ‘mental health issues’ were not an inevitable problem caused by some sort of chemical imbalance or personal weakness but rather the result of my life experiences.
When your body becomes used to being put in extreme situations, it can stay in that state of expecting such abuse. So you start to live in a constant state of awareness and you may react to situations that you perceive to be threatening without thinking first.
Sometimes trauma responses can look like self-harm but not always in the way you may think. When someone has survived abuse such as the sexual violence seen in prostitution, returning to dangerous situations can happen because it’s familiar, because low self esteem can lead to the person believing that the abuse is what they deserve or what they are good at and even because the person feels something when that is happening to them.
If abuse started early in life, it can be very difficult to recognise that this is not a healthy way of coping. You have to unlearn feelings that weren’t yours to start with and it can sometimes feel like grief rather than deprogramming. A trauma survivor can sometimes become detached from their own body and their feelings and abuse feels like the only way they can feel they’re alive.
Memories of traumatic events can remain in the mind for a long time, flashing up at times you least expect. They can affect sleep, causing nightmares and waves of anxiety that feel like your body is an entirely separate entity.
When you have had experiences that have left you feeling dehumanised, your self-worth can be seriously damaged. This can mean that you are less able to recognise when something is harmful or that you start to care less because of all that you have survived. The development of unhealthy coping strategies kind of feels inevitable. There are times when you do feel invincible, like your body has felt the worse the world has to offer. There are other times you feel you might break if someone shouts at you.
The flight or fight response often kicks in when we are not in any real danger. If you have spent your days working in arguably one of the most dangerous lines of work there is, it can be incredibly difficult to adjust to a life where that danger isn’t present.
Once you leave and start to reflect and take steps to heal, small challenges can feel overwhelming. Your first response can often be to simply run away and shut down. Shut yourself off and say no, I don’t want to hurt again.
That’s understandable when you know what you have been through. But others won’t know and navigating that can be incredibly difficult. You are seen as “difficult”, “challenging”, “sensitive”. All the things that you’re just not allowed to be. You have to remain balanced, calm, open minded.
This is a challenge when you’ve seen the things you’ve seen and felt the things you’ve felt.
I’m angry. I’m angry a lot of the time. I’m angry that other people aren’t angry. I’m angry that other people can look at the abusive sex industry and dare to say it’s empowering. I’m angry that this trauma lives in me and it’s up to me to control it when it wasn’t me who put it there.
This International Women’s Day, I am calling for survivors of the sex industry and sexual abuse to not only be listened to but to be understood. Our trauma is complex and varied and we deserve to live in a world that is allowed to show us compassion and grace.