‘Cyanide Circus’ sent this piece in through our Share Your Story page, which provides a space for women to tell of their experiences of the sex trade anonymously and in their own words.
Trigger Warning: Sexual assault, violence, non-consent, camming, boundary violations.
I’ve always had a love/hate relationship with pornography, struggling with my attraction for the models (men and women) and an appreciation for their confidence while struggling with my own negative body image.
The last few years have been really difficult and lonely and my experiences far from consensual… I’ve been anxious, depressed and isolated; too ashamed to share my experiences. I literally only share these situations in privacy because I’m still haunted and trying to feel safe again.
I once dated an escort, I’ll call her C. She was lesbian and would comment how she didn’t get cuddles and tenderness from the men who saw her. I used to stay at her house (she worked from her house) and curl up with her, holding her and though I was physically smaller than her, she told me I made her feel safe. She told me stories about clients who triggered her in session, hurting her badly and how she was trafficked as a teenager. It was all she knew.
Some of my partners seemed to learn sex education from porn. The lesson being how to hurt your partner rather than respect and love your partner. Thinking that women were totally OK with the dreaded “head shove” during oral, having their faces slapped during sex, being ready for penetration with no foreplay at all times, having body appearance objectified.
I’ve had guys try anal on me without permission, yet they wouldn’t want anything up there without asking! Being used as a sexual kink dispenser rather than a loved one… Most of these guys didn’t want me to use a vibrator; it was a threat to their manhood. As if as a woman I couldn’t just enjoy myself for my own pleasure.
I identify as a Submissive, I am open minded and love to please. It’s just porn has really messed with people’s heads and has set poor expectations of how to treat human beings.
I’ve been choked out to unconscious and now have a panic response to my neck being touched. Rather than stop and check on me, my partner at the time kept going. Commenting it felt “amazing” for him at the time. He could have seriously injured me or even worse, given me brain damage. I’ve had my face slapped, hard, without my permission and guilt tripped for my tears afterwards. “I can’t read your mind,” he said, yet he wouldn’t have liked me to have kicked him where it hurts without asking first.
Porn is to blame. The majority of models look drugged up, starved and are abused on set. None are enjoying themselves and they get injured and are manipulated and goaded into non-consensual acts.
My recent sex partner knew I hadn’t had sexual intercourse for a while but was extremely rough. He had made a comment about my pubic hair (trimmed) and that he’d preferred waxed or laser (porn standards). He’d bruised my cervix and tied me to my own bed and tried to force me to orgasm several times. He became annoyed I couldn’t climax, mainly because my body shut down and I disassociated at the time. I hadn’t reached that level of trust, I was trying to enjoy myself but felt like something was wrong but couldn’t put my finger on it. It was because I was so used to being objectified, I was used to it.
Recently, I tried camming. I’ve had a reduced number of hours from my other job, I have bills to pay, a mortgage. I didn’t WANT to cam, I felt I had no other option and needed money, fast.
I made myself dreadlocks, applied heavy make up, wore a skimpy top and undies and tried my luck as a Cam girl. I lasted three hours in total before I broke.
I had about 25 visitors. Only one tipped and I made 12 tokens – five cents in the three hours I was active. Only one guy tipped, the rest were being very rude and demanding, trying to pressure me into doing more than I wanted but unwilling to pay.
I tried to smile and pretend to be happy, but I felt disgusted. I had two people con me. I thought they had paid for a private show. They manipulated me into leaving the main chat and insisted I enter a password to a private room. They told me I was being paid (I’m trusting). I stopped as soon as I worked out that I wasn’t earning anything.
I did not feel “empowered”. I felt like crying and I literally took two showers that day to wash it away. I felt violated and abused. I did shows with no money, was being pressured for not getting naked. I felt pathetic, trying to purr at my audience for tips.
It’s not easy money, it is soul destroying and life ruining. Only 25% of the paying members tip, the rest are scammers or psychopaths. None actually care about the models or see them as living, breathing beings with feelings, wants and needs.
Our society is glamorizing this work, it isn’t attractive or pretty. It is actually ruining lives and though some may enjoy it, I am not convinced anyone is doing it because they enjoy it. I am sure they are doing it because they need to do it, just like I thought I had to.
I remember having the worst sleep. I wanted to deactivate and delete my account but figured to wait till morning. I checked my bank account and noticed an unauthorized transaction from my account. I don’t know if it was related to the site but wouldn’t have been surprised if it was. I couldn’t even cry. I just deleted my account and had to cancel my bank card.
Share your story
If you’ve been in the sex trade, or have been affected by it in other less direct ways, and would like to share your story anonymously, please see our Share Your Story page.